Jen Reads the Bible

Genesis 27: Jacob Tricks Isaac

After all that well digging, Isaac realizes that he's getting up there in age. In fact, he's old and blind. 

He sends for his eldest son, Esau, and tells him to go kill an animal, cook it and bring it to him.  Then, Jacob will give him his final blessing before he dies.

But, Rebecca overhears his plan.  Since Jacob is her favorite, she wants him to be the one to get Isaac's final blessing.

She tells Jacob, "Go to the flock and pick out two fat young goats, so that I can cook them and make some of that food your father likes so much. You can take it to him to eat, and he will give you his blessing before he dies." [Genesis 27:9-10]

Jacob isn't as convinced that this plan will work.  He reminds his mother that Esau is very hairy, so if his father touches him he'll realize that he isn't Esau.

Rebecca has a plan for that too.  So, Jacob does what he's told, she cooks the goats and then takes the goat skin and places it on Jacob's arms and neck.

It works. Isaac says, "Your voice sounds like Jacob's voice, but your arms feel like Esau's arms." [Genesis 27:22]

Isaac asks one last time if he's Esau and Jacob reassures him that he is indeed Esau.  So, Isaac eats the meat and gives Jacob the blessing meant for Esau.... "May nations be your servants, and may peoples bow down before you.  May you rule over all your relatives, and may your mother's descendants bow down before you. May those who curse you be cursed, and may those who bless you be blessed." [Genesis 27:29]

As soon as Jacob leaves, Esau comes back from hunting.  He makes his dad the food, and Isaac immediately realizes that he's been punk'd by Jacob.

"Isaac began to tremble and shake all over, and he asked, 'Who was it, then, who killed an animal and brought it to me? I ate it just before you came. I gave him my final blessing, and so it is his forever." [Genesis 27:33]

Esau demands that Isaac give him his blessing too, but Isaac seems to only be able to give out one.

Issac says, "I have already made him master over you, and I have made all his relatives his slaves. I have given him grain and wine. Now there is nothing that I can do for you, son!" [Genesis 27:37]

This is pretty crappy, really.  That's why you don't give one son the power to make the rest of his relatives his slaves... that never works out!

Esau is, rightly, pretty pissed off. He thinks, "The time to mourn my father's death is near; then I will kill Jacob." [Genesis 27:41]

But, of course, Rebecca overhears this plan too. (I think all she does is walk around and eavesdrop on her family.) So, she sends Jacob to her brother Laban, hoping that Esau will cool off while Jacob is away. Always the quick thinker, she convinces Isaac that sending him away is a good idea, so Isaac is actually the one who sends him off... telling him to find a wife there.

Genesis 26: Isaac Pretends Rebecca Isn't His Wife...Because That Always Works

A famine strikes the land, but the God appears to Isaac and tells him that he has to stay at Gerar with the Philistines.

So he does.

But, when the men in the neighborhood asked him about Rebecca he says that she's his sister.  Why?  "[B]ecause he was afraid that the men there would kill him to get Rebecca, who as very beautiful." [Genesis 26:7]

Sigh, have we learned nothing from what Abraham put Sarah through?  Why must all women in this book be treated like cattle?

Anyway, the jig is up when Abimelech, the king of the Philistines, catches Isaac and Rebecca doing the nasty.

Abimelech summons Isaac and is basically like, "what the hell is wrong with you?  Why did you say that she's your sister when she's your wife?"

Isaac is like, "uh because she's so hot that I thought you guys would kill me."

Abimelech makes an excellent point when he responds, "One of my men might easily have slept with your wife, and you would have been responsible for our guilt." [Genesis 26:10] (Remember that adultery is a sin.)

Lucky for Rebecca, the men had apparently managed to stay away from her.

And, lucky for Isaac, Abimelech isn't too pissed, in fact, he tells his subjects, "Anyone who mistreats this man or his wife will be put to death." [Genesis 26:11]

Whew, crisis averted.

Isaac focuses on planting crops and he has an incredibly awesome harvest because he's blessed by god.

But, the other people in the kingdom start to get jealous of Isaac and his great crop planting prowess, so they start to fill in his wells.  Then, Abilemech tells Isaac to get out of town because he's getting to powerful.

Isaac doesn't want to start anything, so he hightails it out of there.

Isaac heads to the Gerar Valley and starts digging more wells and moving away from anyone who messes with him.

Eventually, God appears to Isaac in a vision and tells him "I am the God of your father Abraham. Do not be afraid; I am with you. I will bless you and give you many descendants because of my promise to my servant Abraham." [Genesis 26:24]

Cool.

Later, Abilemech comes to see Isaac.  Isaac is all, "What the hell are your doing here, didn't you kick me out of your kingdom?"

Abilemech is like, "my bad." You see, he didn't realize that Isaac was blessed by God and he came to tell Isaac that the Philistines wouldn't harm him and wants to get Isaac to make the same promise.

Isaac agrees and they dig another well, which they call "Vow." 

Genesis 25: Isaac's Story Gets Going

So, who's sick of Abraham and all his shenanigans?  Me too... time to move on to his son Isaac.  Let's see what sort of trouble he gets himself into, shall we?

Oh, but before we start that, I just want to point out that in this chapter Abraham dies at the "ripe old age of 175." [Genesis 25:7-8]  He leaves everything to Isaac, his legitimate son with Sarah.  Also, in the intervening years between Sarah's death and his own death, Abraham still manages to get married again and have another hefty list of kids.  That man wouldn't quit.

Anyway, back to Isaac.  If you'll remember from chapter 24, Abraham's servant brought back a wife for Isaac named Rebecca.  They are living happily when Isaac is suddenly like, "Oops, I'm forty years old and I don't have any kids, time to pray for some!"

As usual, prayer works and Rebecca is knocked up post-haste.

But, as usual, things don't go completely smoothly.  Rebecca is actually pregnant with twins and they are actually fighting in her womb.  Ouch.

She asks the Lord why and he says, "Two nations are within you; You will give birth to two rival peoples.  One will be stronger than the other; The older will serve the younger." (Genesis 25:23)

Sibling rivalry seems to be a trend in the bible. 

Rebecca's sons are finally born: Esau and Jacob.

All is going well until they get older.  Esau becomes a skilled hunter, and Jacob is more of an intellectual.  Isaac prefers Esau "because he enjoyed eating the animals Esau killed" [Genesis 25:27] (a man of simple tastes, that Isaac) but Rebecca prefers quiet Jacob.

One day, Jacob is home making some bean soup when Esau comes in and is like "give me some soup." 

Jacob's like "sure, as long as you give me your rights as first born son."

Esau is apparently quite starved and vows to give up his rights.

"He [Esau] ate and drank and then got up and left.  That was all Esau cared about his rights as the first-born son." [Genesis 25:34]

I hope that was some good soup, because I have the feeling this isn't going to prove to be the best decision Esau's ever made.

Genesis 24: A Wife for Isaac

Without Sarah around, Abraham realizes that it's about damn time his son Isaac (the son Sarah bore him) got himself a wife.

In typical Abraham fashion, he takes matters into his own hands, deciding the local girls weren't good enough for his one legitimate son.  So, he makes one of his servants "Place your hand between my thighs and make a vow." (Genesis 24:2) Apparently that's how you made a vow back then.

Anyway, Abraham makes his servant go back to Abraham's homeland and find a wife for Isaac among his relatives.

The servant does as told, going back to Abraham's homeland and sitting outside the well ... lying in wait for the ladies to come gather water. (I guess they didn't have nightclubs back then.)

The servant realizes that it might be a bit tough to figure out which of the ladies is related to Abraham, so he hatches a plan.

The plan is basically that the servant prays for the answer.  He's going to ask the ladies for a drink of water, and if one offers to also give water to his camels, she's going to be the one.

Soon, Rebecca enters the scene. She offers the obligatory water to the camels and we have our girl.

The servant gives her some bling (a nose ring and some bracelets, to be specific) and asks to see her family.

The servant tells his story to her father (and, yes, he is related to Abraham) and asks if he can bring Rebecca back to marry Isaac.

Rebecca's father is basically like, "Well, I don't know you, but you did give us some silver and stuff, so why the heck not?"

Long, boring story short: Isaac now has a wife.

Genesis 23: Sarah Passes Away

Sarah lives to 127 years of age before finally passing away. 

Poor girl.  I have to admit that I feel pretty bad for Sarah. She has a tough life and is treated like crap for most of it... and most of the crimes against her are perpetrated by her husband.  

So, I'm happy to see in this chapter that Abraham mourns her death at least.  It's literally the very least he can do.

He goes to the Hittites and asks them to sell him a place to bury her.

They're like, "hey, no problem, take whatever land you want to bury your wife."

Abraham insists that he wants to pay for the land.  Haggling ensues.

Finally, Abraham pays 400 pieces of silver for a field and cave in the land of Caanan.  

Let's all pour one out for Sarah...

Genesis 22: Another Test for Abraham

It's that time again! Time to play everybody's favorite game: "Prove Your Love to God!"

Our contestant this evening is Abraham, husband of Sarah and father of Isaac.

"Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love so much, and go to the land of Moriah. There on a mountain that I will show you, offer him as a sacrifice to me."

The next morning, Abraham and Isaac are off! When they reach Moriah, Abraham makes Isaac carry the wood for his own sacrifice. Isaac starts to realize that something might be up and says to his father, "I see that you have the coals and the wood, but where is the lamb for the sacrifice?"

Thinking quickly, Abraham answers, "God himself will provide one." (Genesis 22:7-8)

And they carry on.

"When they came to the place which God had told him about, Abraham built an altar and arranged the wood on it. He tied up his son and placed him on the altar, on top of the wood. Then he picked up the knife to kill him." (Genesis 22:9-10)

Luckily for Isaac, an angel stops Abraham at the last possible moment. "Don't hurt the boy or do anything to him. Now I know that you have obedient reverence for God, because you have not kept back your only son from me." (Genesis 22:12)

Uh, there must be a better way of figuring out who really reveres God.

Genesis 21: Sarah Finally Has Her Son

About time! Sarah finally gives birth to the son that God promised her years ago. He is named Isaac.

One day, Sarah sees Isaac playing with Ishmael (the son Abraham had with the slave girl Hagar) and gets pissy. She says to Abraham, "Send this slave girl and her son away. The son of this woman must not get any part of your wealth, which my son Isaac should inherit." (Genesis 21:10)

Abraham has second thoughts about screwing over his first son, but God tells him to do what Sarah says. God tells Abraham that he'll make sure that Ishmael has many sons too so that he can also found a nation (Anybody else want to found a nation?).

So, the next morning, Abraham sends Hagar and Ishmael armed only with a bit of food and water. When the water runs out, Hagar places her son under a bush and sits down a hundred yards away to cry, unable to bear watching her son die.

God hears the crying and says to Hagar, "What are you troubled about, Hagar? Don't be afraid. God has heard the boy crying. Get up, go and pick him up, and comfort him. I will make a great nation out of his descendants." (Genesis 21:17-18)

Then, Hagar opened her eyes and saw a well.

God watched over Ishmael as he grew up and become a skilled hunter. Hagar finds him an Egyptian wife and it all works out for them.

Genesis 20: Back to Abraham

Meanwhile, back with Abraham and Sarah...

Once again, Abraham, the Bible's biggest commitment-phobe, tells everyone that Sarah is his sister, not his wife. The reasons are unclear, but when King Abimelech of Gerar hears this, he makes his move on Sarah.

God appears in King Abimelech's dream, saying, "You are going to die, because you have taken this woman; she is already married." (Genesis 20:3)

King Abimelech is like, "Whatcha talkin' 'bout God? Abraham told me she was free for the taking. Why punish me when I didn't know?"

God realizes that this is a good point, but tells him to give Sarah back to Abraham before he has to kill him and his peeps.

Abimelech is justifiably angry. He summons Abraham and asks, "What have you done to us? What wrong have I done to you to make you bring this disaster on me and my kingdom? No one should ever do what you have done to me. Why did you do it?" (Genesis 20:9-10)

Abraham spews his usual tale that he was worried that the King would kill him to have Sarah, but also points out that he wasn't technically lying, "She really is my sister. She is the daughter of my father, but not of my mother, and I married her." (Genesis 20:12)

King Abimelech gives Sarah back to Abraham, along with his land, sheep, cattle and slaves. This isn't enough for God, however, who makes it impossible for any woman in King Abimelech's palace to get pregnant.

But, Abraham, realizing that he really dicked King Abimelech over, prays for him until God lets them all have children again.

Genesis 19: Sodom and Gomorrah

Remember Lot? You know, that guy that used to hang with Abraham?

Well, he was there waiting when the two men (angels), who were just eating fresh calf with God and Abraham, arrived in Sodom. Lot invites them to stay with him.

That night, when they're all about to head off to bed, the men of the city come a-knockin' on Lot's door, eager to have their way with some angel flesh.

Lot says, "Friends, I beg you, don't do such a wicked thing! Look, I have two daughters who are still virgins. Let me bring them out to you, and you can do whatever you want with them. But don't do anything to these men; they are guests in my house, and I must protect them." (Genesis 19:7-8)

Worst. Father. Ever.

It didn't matter to the men of Sodom though, they wanted the angels. Sadly for them, angels don't do it with men - instead, the men of Sodom were struck blind.

The angels had seen enough. They tell Lot to take his family and get the hell out of Sodom, before it is destroyed. Lot goes to find the men his daughters were to marry (how pissed do you think they'd be if they found out that Lot was offering their virgin blinds to a crowd of horny men just a few hours earlier?) and urges them to some with him, but they just laugh at him.

At dawn, the angels tell Lot to hurry and leave with his family, "Run for your lives! Don't look back and don't stop in the valley. Run to the hills, so that you won't be killed." (Genesis 19:17)

But, as you already know, Lot's wife looks back and she turns into a pillar of salt. The Bible has taught me that women never listen.

Lot and his daughters (all that remain from Sodom and Gomorrah) move to the hills and live in a cave. One day, the older daughter comes up with this bright idea, "Our father is getting old, and there are no men in the whole world to marry us so that we can have children. Come on, let's get our father drunk, so that we can sleep with him and have children by him." (Genesis 19: 31-32)

Those women from Sodom sure are loose.

The next two nights, the sisters get Lot drunk and have their way with him - forming a few loops in their family tree.

Genesis 18: Menopause-Schmenopause

God continues to promise a son to Abraham, this time in the form of three men (three wise men?) passing by his tent.

Always a good host, Abraham invites the men in and tells Sarah to bake them up a loaf of bread, right quick, while he selects a particularly tender and fat calf for his guests to eat. After eating, one of the men says, "Nine months from now I will come back, and your wife Sarah will have a son." (Genesis 18:10)

Sarah overhears them and starts laughing, since she knows she'd stopped having her period. The Lord doesn't like to be mocked, so he says, "Why did Sarah laugh and say, 'Can I really have a child when I am so old?' Is anything too hard for the Lord?" (Genesis 18:13-14)

Sarah, instantly realizes that her guests are no ordinary travelers and quickly backtracks saying, "I didn't laugh."

Anyway, the travelers leave to head to Sodom and Gomorrah, where God has heard that quite a bit of wanton sinning is going on. Abraham is a bit worried that God is going to destroy the cities, so he asks the Lord, "If there are fifty innocent people in the city, will you destroy the whole city?" (Genesis 18:24)

God agrees to spare it if he finds fifty innocent people.

Then, Abraham is like, "What about forty-five people? Will you spare it then?"

God agrees, "Sure, I'll spare it for forty-five innocent people."

Abraham: "What about forty?"

God: "Okay, I'll spare it for forty."

Abraham: "Thirty?"

God: "Fine, thirty."

Abraham: "Uh, is 20 enough?"

God: "Yeah, I'll spare it for twenty."

Abraham: "How about ten?

And God agrees to spare it if he finds ten innocents. Then he leaves, pretty much leaving the impression that if he finds nine or less innocent people, the cities are toast.

Lesson learned: Sinners, hang out with at least ten non-sinners at all times and you'll be safe.