Jen Reads the Bible

Genesis 46: Jacob and the Fam Go Visit Joseph

Jacob (Joseph's dad, who thinks Joseph has been dead for years and years) is pretty stoked to find that Joseph is actually alive.  He wants to see him, so they pack up the entire family and head to Egypt.

And now, you know everything that happens in this chapter.  Oh, you can also find lists of everyone's kids' names here if that sounds fun to you. 

Moving on...

Genesis 45: Joseph Finally Comes Clean

Judah's words touch Joseph... and at last Joseph comes clean and tells his brothers who he really is.

Of course, they're a little stunned.

And terrified... after all, they're the ones who sold him into slavery.

But, Joseph, big old softee that he is, tells them not to be afraid or guilty.  This whole elaborate thing was God's work of course.

Joseph: "Now do not be upset of blame yourselves because you sold me here. It was really God who sent me ahead of you to save people's lives. This is only the second year of famine in the land; there will be five more years in which there will be neither plowing or reaping. God sent me ahead of you to rescue you in this amazing way and to make sure that you and your descendants survive." [Genesis 45:5-7]

Seems a little convoluted to me.  Why not just make the famine go away?  I guess that's why I'm not God.

Genesis 44: Some Shenanigans About a Cup

After their festive and hearty meal, Joseph tells his servant to pack up his brothers' bags with grain and to give them back the money they used to pay for it.  Then, he tells the servant to put a silver cup in Banjamin's bag too.

Joseph sends them all on their way, without telling them who he really is.  Then, when they're a short distance away, he sends his servant after them to ask why they stole the silver cup.  (Can you see where this is going?)

The servant catches up to them and accuses them of taking the cup.  They're all like, "What are you smoking?  We wouldn't do such a thing."

Then they say, "if any one of us if found to have it, he will be put to death, and the rest of us will become your slaves." [Genesis 44:9]

The bags are searched and the cup is found among Benjamin's things (let this be a lesson to you all... always check your bag before leaving Joseph's house).  They're all befuddled, but the evidence is right there and pretty tough to dispute, so they go back to Joseph to face their punishment.

They offer themselves up as Joseph's slaves, but Joseph is like, "no, no, I just want Benjamin.  The rest of you can go home."  (Remember, Benjamin is his only full brother here.)

Then Judah goes to Joseph and pleads to let Benjamin return, saying he'll serve in his place.

Judah: "I pledged my life to my father for the boy.  I told him that if I did not bring the boy back to him, I would bear the blame all my life.  And now, sir, I will stay here as your slave in place of the boy; let him go back with his brothers.  How can I go back to my father if the boy is not with me?  I cannot bear to see this disaster come upon my father." [Genesis 44:32-34]

Is it just me, or is this whole situation really weird and awkward?  If this were a movie, everyone in the audience would be yelling, "this is lame!  He's your brother, dumbass."

But, alas, here we are.

Genesis 43: So Very Hungry...

Finally, the famine in Canaan gets so bad that Jacob lets the rest of his sons take Benjamin with them to Egypt for for grain. (For some reason, no one mentions that Simeon has been tied up there for a very long time now.. Sort of a depressing "Sophie's Choice" type decision against Simeon there - yikes)

So, they all set off to see Joseph again in Egypt (and, yes, they are still stupid and haven't figured out who he really is). With them, they bring gifts for Joseph, including some honey and pistachios.  Yum.

They also bring back double the money that was returned to them.  I think they are really trying to not be jerks.

They get to Egypt and are granted an audience with Joseph again.  He asks about their health, as well as the health of "their" father.  When Joseph sees Benjamin, he has to leave suddenly "because his heart was full of tender feelings for his brother." [Genesis 43:30]  Aww.

Then, they're all served a great feast and everyone chows down and gets drunk.  Party on.

Genesis 42: Joseph Starts to Get Revenge on His Brothers... Sort of

By this point, Joseph is sitting pretty high on the hog, so to speak.  His predictions have all come true, he's not in prison anymore, he's governor of Egypt and he's the only guy with grain in the middle of a seven year famine.  Things are looking pretty good for old Joe.

Meanwhile, back in Canaan, Joseph's dad (Jacob) and brothers aren't doing so well.  So, having heard that Egypt has grain, all of his half brothers (the same guys who sold him to prison) go to Egypt.  His only full brother, Benjamin, along with Jacob, stay home.

So, the brothers arrive in Egypt and get an audience in front of Joseph.  They don't recognize him, but Joseph knows them instantly. 

He pretends, however, that he doesn't know them and says, "You are spies; you have come to find out where our country is weak." [Genesis 42:9]

The brothers are like, "no, seriously, we're cool.  We just need some food."

Joseph isn't having any of it: "You are spies.  This is how you will be tested: I swear by the name of the king that you will never leave unless your youngest brother comes here. One of you must go and get him. The rest of you will be kept under guard until the truth of what you say can be tested. Otherwise, as sure as the king lives, you are spies." [Genesis 42:14-16]  And with that, they're thrown in jail for three days.

On the third day, Joseph is like, "hey, I'm not a monster!  I'll just keep one of you here while the rest of you bring grain to your families.  Once you come back with your youngest brother, I'll set the one I keep here free.  Otherwise, you'll be put to death."

This is when Reuben chimes in with an "I told you so" to his brothers (remember, he's the one who tried to keep the brothers from killing Joseph in the first place).  He thinks this is just God's wrath getting even with them.  They don't realize that Joseph speaks their language and can understand (they had been speaking through an interpreter).  Joseph is touched by Reuben's words and steps away for a while to cry.

When he comes back, Joseph has his brother Simeon tied up, gives the others grain and sends them home. 

On their way back, One brother opens his sack to discover that not only is it filled with grain, the bag of money he used to pay for it has been returned as well.  Turns out, the same is true for all of the brothers.

When they get back to Jacob, they tell him what happened to Simeon and why they need to bring Benjamin (the youngest brother - also Joseph's only full brother) back with them.  But, Jacob is too worried about losing Benjamin that he won't let him go.

"Something might happen to him on the way.  I am an old man, and the sorrow you would cause me would kill me." [Genesis 42:38]

It seems like an okay deal to the brothers and

Genesis 41: Joseph and More Dreams

Two years after Joseph successfully interprets the dreams of the baker and wine steward, the king himself starts with the dreaming.

His dream: "He was standing by the Nile River, when seven cows, fat and sleek, came up out of the river and began to feed on the grass.  Then seven other cows came up; they were thin and bony. They came and stood by the other cows on the riverbank, and the thin cows ate up the fat cows." [Genesis 41:1-4]

Later, the king has another dream: "Seven heads of grain, full and ripe, were growing on one stalk.  Then seven other heads of grain sprouted, thin and scorched by the desert wind, and the thin heads of grain swallowed the full ones." [Genesis 41:5-7]

Am I the only one thinking that these dreams are pretty dull?  Anyway, the king is haunted by these two dreams and tries, unsuccessfully, to find someone who can interpret them.

At last, the wine steward tells the king about Joseph and his mad skillz at interpreting dreams.  So, the king summons Joseph from prison and asks him to interpret the dreams.

Joseph tells him that the two dreams mean the same thing: There will be seven years of bountiful harvests in Egypt, followed by seven years of incredible famine.  So, you know, something the king should probably start planning for.

The king is so pleased that he makes Joseph governor of Egypt.  Turns out, Joseph is right.  And, because Egypt plans for the famine, Egypt is the only country in the land with food.  Pretty sweet.

Genesis 40: Joseph Predicts the Future... From Prison

Joseph is still rocking out in prison, although his prison sitch is much better than most people's, what with God having his back and all.

Eventually, the king of Egypt's wine steward and chief baker join him in prison after pissing off the king. 

One night, both the wine steward and the baker have dreams that haunt them.  Luckily, Joseph is there and happens to be able to interpret dreams (thanks again, God!).

The wine steward tells his dream first: "... there was a grapevine in front of me with three branches on it. As soon as the leaves came out, the blossoms appeared, and the grapes ripened.  I was holding the king's cup; so I took the grapes and squeezed them into the cup and gave if to him." [Genesis 40:9-11]

Joseph is like, duh, obviously this means that in three days (each branch symbolizes a day) the king will release you, pardon you and restore you to your previous position.  Joseph also tells him, "Please remember me when everything is going well for you, and please be kind enough to mention me to the king and help me get out of this prison." [Genesis 40:14]

The baker, convinced that his dream would be interpreted favorably as well, tells Joseph his dream next: "I was carrying three breadbaskets on my head. In the top basket there were all kinds of baked goods for the king, and the birds were eating them." [Genesis 40:17]

But, this dream wasn't a good one.  Joseph tells the baker that in three days the king will chop his head off, hang his body on a pole and let the birds eat his flesh.

Bummer.

Three days later, everything goes as Joseph had predicted.  However, the wine steward doesn't bother to mention Joseph to the king.  I have a feeling this will come up later.

Genesis 39: Joseph Gets Into Trouble

Back to Joseph, shall we?  You all may remember that when we left Joseph he had just been sold to some Egyptians...

Those Egyptians sold him to Potiphar, one of the kings officers. Joseph lived with the officer and God, who's looking out for Joseph (although not so much that he prevents Joseph from being sold to the Egyptians in the first place), makes sure that he's successful.

Potiphar is pleased and makes Joseph his personal servant, in charge of the whole house.

But, poor Joseph is too good looking for Potiphar's wife to resist and she starts trying to make her moves on him. 

No matter how many times she asked him, Joseph wouldn't go to bed with her ("How then could I do such an immoral thing and sin against God?" [Genesis 39:9])

But, playing hard to get only makes Potiphar's wife want Joseph more.  One day, he comes home to find himself alone in the house with her.  She grabs him by the robe ans asks him to come to bed with her, but he escapes and runs outside, leaving his robe in her hands.

Pissed, she sees this as her chance to get rid of Joseph.  She calls her servants and says, "Look at this! This Hebrew that my husband brought to the house is insulting us. He came into my room and tried to rape me, but I screamed as loud as I could. When he heard me scream, he ran outside, leaving his robe beside me." [Genesis 39:14-5]

Not a very nice lady, Potiphar's wife.

This story is enough for Potiphar to put Joseph in prison.

But, luckily for Joseph, God is with him (but not enough to keep him out of jail).  The jailer is pleased by Joseph and puts him in charge of the other prisoners.